in decision

i recently heard “it’s not about making the right decision, but making the decision right.”

gift-giving, sending emails, choosing to what to have for dinner - every one of these things have felt like unbearable tasks at some point. as a perfectionist, i face indecision all the time. so much of this is due to the fear of pain or discomfort. “if i do this, then what if this?..” this pattern can go on forever if i don’t address and face it - all because of a subconscious fear of making the “wrong” decision.

for me, my indecision comes from trying to control the outcome. i tend to play out every scenario in my head to prepare for the outcome, and predict if it’s a “bad'“ one. this makes every decision extremely difficult, leaving me emotional and mentally exhausted.

a protection mechanism i adopted was basing my decisions off of others and their -presumed- needs. this was a way to avoid being a burden or being a source of conflict. i’ve learned that this takes away the other persons autonomy to be honest with me, often resulting in a false reality.

learning to make decisions faster and easier is a practice of trust. trusting that i can face whatever outcome, even if it may be painful. and trusting myself to make a decision that’s right for me.

it’s okay to take some space to reflect and consider options. but when you feel paralyzed - remember to breathe. the universe has no “wrong” decision. one of my favorite excerpts from deepak chopra:

“if you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.

the universe has no fixed agenda. once you make any decision, it works around that decision. there is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.”

the universe is working in your favor. even when you may not feel like it, everything has it’s purpose. a reminder to trust yourself, let go and let love. have some fun while you’re at it.

and the right people will love and support you no matter what. if you have a fear of losing someone or something, i challenge you to use this as an opportunity to communicate, be authentic and share what you are feeling. keeping your needs and your fears quiet prevents growth and honesty. it may not feel easy, but it’s a practice of trust. trust yourself, you have the answers <3

high rocks

if you’ve heard of hyrox, i’m sure you’re sick of hearing about hyrox.

hyrox is a functional fitness competition comprised of 8 stations a kilometer run between each station. it’s intense. way more intense than i imagined, and having fun was not the primary feeling.

5 years ago, you wouldn’t have caught me dead doing a sit up in front of anyone, let alone run. i never had exercise introduced to me in a way of ease or joy, other than dance within theatre. i only understood exercise to be a method of losing weight, not to feel strong, build health, or feel like a functional human - hiking, chores, taking care of children, etc…

during covid my obsession with exercising became paralyzing. i was addicted to training and losing weight. i was consistently undereating and overtraining. from the outside it may have looked like i “figured it out” but on the inside i was dying. i remember how difficult it was getting up from a squat, i felt like i had no strength at all.

i took a break from working out for a little to regain some sense of self and start school. but exercise remained a grounder for me and a place where i can work on myself. now i choose to exercise out of love and celebration for what the human body is capable of, rather than a way to shrink and punish myself.

i am now a nationally accredited certified personal trainer, who just competed in her first fitness competition.

i was nervous about committing myself to something like this. my addictive personality and perfectionism can take over things like this and prevent me from having fun. during the race i really had to challenge my perfectionism. it was so easy to focus on a specific race time i wanted to finish at rather than have fun during it (granted when your heart rate is over 160 bpm for 90+ min it’s really hard not thinking about the finish line).

one phrase that helps me through moments like this is “how can you enjoy how long this is going to last?”

there is no need to do a fitness competition to prove to yourself you are strong. strength exists in many different fashions. from going to a fitness class that is out of your comfort zone, to having a vulnerable conversation, to learning a new skill, to climbing high rocks (there it is), strength is interconnected with every facet of life.

having a “why” is the most important factor in competing in a race. without a good reason, you can get lost in ego and doubt.

for me, my why is proving to myself i can do hard things. a deep rooted belief i am overcoming is that i am incapable of doing hard things (consciously i know this isn’t the case, but that stupid subconscious believes otherwise). i've never met a version of myself in a high intensity race like that until now. i want to experience every version of myself in this life. a version of me who is showing 19 year old portia that she is stronger than she ever imagined and 21 year old portia that it’s okay to gain weight and feel confident. my why is leading all parts of myself with love.

i truly hated how i felt during that race, but there were pockets of pride and i fulfilled a commitment to myself. more than anything, that is what i am proud of.

a reflection on friendship

connectedness is my number one value; being able to initiate a connection or spark a conversation comes very easily to me. with this, i consider somebody a friend very quickly. i am recently realizing this is to a fault.

friendship was not really valued in my household. i depended almost entirely on my extracurricular activities to facilitate time with friends. after rehearsal, i was picked up and brought home while my friends drove together, most likely grabbing food or hanging out before and after. i had a responsibility to my family to be home. a home that never hosted dinner parties, sleepovers or after school hangouts. i think i can count the number of times my best friends of over a decade have been to my house on two hands. i never really learned how to ask somebody to hangout. i believe this turned into a subconscious belief that people would not want to or be able to hang out.

my perfectionism keeps friendships an idea in my head. if i don’t reach out, the opportunity for that connection to be lost doesn’t exist. my perfectionism prevents me from deepening my relationships. i am learning this has a lot to do with trust. planning a hangout (outside of the moment that exists) opens a path for rejection, an opportunity for a hangout to be cancelled, or an opportunity for me to feel as though i am not in a “good enough” place to be there. i am also learning how much my mental health has impacted my ability to maintain relationships.

depression keeps me isolated. consistent feelings of unworthiness prevent me from feeling present with friends and then i would spiral in guilt and shame about forgetting important events, details and plans. not because i didn’t care, but almost because i cared too much. i wanted to be the perfect friend.

a good friend once told me the most important thing you can do for someone is just show up. you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to meet any expectations, you just have to show up. this isn’t as easy as it sounds, it’s a practice: of vulnerability, of getting uncomfortable, of challenging subconscious beliefs. but it’s so worth the people and relationships that come out of it.

i want to be known as a good friend, one that is reliable and trustworthy. this isn’t something that comes just from having good intentions, but a lot of work. i know i am processing grief around time lost with friends due to my mental health, but i have to give myself grace knowing i was doing the best i could. all i can do is do better.

the fundamentals of portia

the fundamentals of portia:

1. SPIRITUALITY. engaging in gratitude is a daily practice of my spirituality. prayer, connection. i could seek spirituality through a community event, reading spiritual texts, having deep conversations, internal reflection, embodiment, and more. conversations with the universe and God in whatever form is most accessible.

2. ART. life is art. not always paint on a canvas, or a melody to a song, but just a vibrance to life. breath, movement, self-expression, the use of spoken word, laughter, written word. to me, everything that makes life worth living can be defined as art.

3. NATURE. nothing has quite felt like home like being emerged in nature. whether i’m sitting, running, dancing, nature was my first genuine support system. my field trips growing up consisted of fairy hunting and playing capture the flag in forrest green mansions. when i didn’t know where to go, nature held me, as it still does today.

4. COMMUNITY. friends, family, relationships. sometimes, it takes a village. the power of collective effervescence will always leave me in awe.

5. CHANGE. the only constant is change. switching things up constantly reminds me that i am capable of adapting. this is the place that breeds self trust.

one thing after the other has forced me to take stock. the main way for me to stay grounded amidst the chaos is coming back home to me. i have recently observed thought patterns that are foreign and overwhelming, anger that doesn’t cease, and a general irritability with life.

i recognize that progress is not linear, and it can be in these moments where we feel the most lost, that we find our ways. in the long run, i recognize that it’s a few months. even if it were to be a few years i felt like this i recognize it’s still a short time in the grand scheme of life. but sometimes it can feel all consuming and frankly terrifying.

when life gets overwhelming, i tend to search externally for inspiration and validation. the opposite of anxiety is trust. trusting the universe, trusting myself, and trusting that i am exactly where i’m supposed to be. bringing myself home to my basics is where i find life.

trust yourself. take stock - what are the things that make you you? when do you feel motivated? how can you invite more of this into your life? daily gratitude goes a long way.

recovery

this holiday season, i am feeling immense gratitude for recovery and the access to resources i have that i know others may not. the past year has been extremely challenging facing my eating disorder and choosing recovery. every day it is a choice, and i hope that sharing any part of my journey helps others. in honor of this gratitude, here are some lessons from my past 8 months in eating disorder therapy.

1. It’s never about the food.

   This one seems obvious, but when you’re in the moment it’s difficult not to think it’s about the food. While eating disorders vary a lot but it never really is about the food. What does control mean to us? How does food/controlling food make us feel? What does losing weight/gaining weight mean to us and how does this impact our view of food? Leading into…

2. Food neutrality: the practice of recognizing that food is not a tool to look a certain way

   For me, I fully believe in this, but reprogramming my brain to believe it is hard hard hard. Naturally- we live in a society that promotes controlling food and body. And when I’ve personally seen that controlling food does change my body it's hard to fully believe it. I have to go back to thinking about how I felt at different phases of my body. At my smallest I was ridden with anxiety and the fear of losing control. I was very unreliable to the people around me. Choosing recovery is for me, but it is equally for my loved ones.

3. There are different types of hunger, not just survival.

   Honoring all of these, without judgment is a practice. Whether that’s eye/nose hunger (walking down Main Street at Disney and smelling the butter popcorn), stomach hunger (physical hunger), cellular (the “too hungry” feeling), mind (hunger from restriction) or heart hunger (emotional hunger - maybe we were given a certain food as a child to comfort us), we deserve to honor that hunger. All hunger serves a purpose.

4. Controlling food was a survival tactic. 

   It served as something for me to fixate on to avoid feeling hard feelings or confronting my emotions. I am understanding more that I didn’t learn healthy emotional regulation. Discovering these needs and finding ways to meet them is hard work. My eating disorder developed as a way to protect myself.

5. Overexercising is a form of purging. 

   I love working out. Truly, I love feeling strong and pushing my limits. I am recently starting to examine my relationship with exercise. I used to get extreme anxiety when I missed a workout, but where I’m at in recovery, I still need to take a step back sometimes. It’s easy for me to push and push and push, but it’s important to stay grounded in the reason I’m choosing to workout in the first place. Especially as a coach, I want to ensure that I am promoting healthy movement and practices.

6. God.

   This isn’t something that has been pushed on me in therapy at all, rather something I have found myself. Truly recognizing that I can let go and trust God with so much that I try to control is a huge ease. My relationship with God changes, but one thing that remains constant is that I can trust a higher power 

7. Journaling and reflecting what my experience was and what I may have been feeling before and after a binge.

   Giving myself permission to engage and reflect gives grace to recognizing this is a coping mechanism. By allowing the behavior to engage, it’s likely you may not even want to engage as you are staying present and inviting room to give love to behavior that has been adopted to protect yourself.

8. You cannot hate yourself into a person you love. 

   Always lead with love. I have kept myself in a cycle that keeps me from feeling too much - one way or the other. I had a hard time feeling safe in joy or love because I was scared of it being temporary.  How can I truly enjoy food? What would that look like for me? How can I work towards enjoying more in my day to day life? When you notice the urge, how can you pause and nurture your needs in a way that is loving?

the lessons are constant, the reflections are insightful, and the growth is happening. slowly but surely, i am healing. progress is not linear. some days feel a lot harder than others. and that’s ok.

grateful for my family, friends, loved ones, mentors, coworkers, community, that keeps me close to myself when i feel lost.

dance with anger

i recently told my therapist that i don’t do well expressing my anger. she flipped that back on me quickly and said that i do - i just express it all on myself.

this sparked a kind of realization. i grew up around anger. seeing it expressed towards another person, often without any resolution and a threat of leaving, formed my relationship with it. i became terrified of someone being angry at me, in fear that it could result in conflict or abandonment. so, i internalized anger and geared it all toward myself before another person could.

taking a step back, i realized how much anger has driven my behavior. anger towards my body has resulted in working out or restricting, anger towards my productivity has caused decision paralysis and anxious spirals, anger towards my messiness has caused deep cleaning late at night.

i would never express anger to someone else the way i do myself. recognizing this made me put in perspective where i have been with my mental health. the lower my confidence in myself and my abilities is, the more likely it is for anger to make way.

i am in the process of learning how to juggle anger with positive emotions. i am guilty of shutting down when i feel like someone is angry at me or anxiously working to try and make everything “ok.”

anger is natural. one of my amazing directors in college taught me that “anger is disappointed love.” it is a secondary emotion. when i get to a spot of being so angry at myself, another or the world, the only thing that brings me back is finding where the love felt lost.

the election has driven an uproar of anger through me. anxious, sleepless, i am discovering how to find that love in the fight. the only thing that truly keeps me grounded is reminding myself that this anger is a result of feeling a loss of love. yes, fight with anger, protest with anger, yell with anger, but lead with love. as long as that stays at the forefront i think we can do anything.

you cannot hate yourself into a person you love. i cannot hate myself into a person i love. lead with love, towards yourself and others.

joy is scary

joy is scary.

i grew up in an environment where happiness was a fleeting feeling. there was no security around how long a joyful moment would last - scared of the feeling being temporary, i retreated into ambivalence. on top of my home environment being preoccupied with conflict and tension, i found myself avoidant of all feelings.

i remember exact moments i decided that certain traits were “too much” and shut off parts of myself in attempts to be more palatable. this meant avoiding things that would result in big emotions. i think this is how i found myself in theater, because it was a safe space for me to sit in emotions, under the veil of “acting,”

i am learning how to feel safe while experiencing big emotions. i have known that sadness, anger and fear are all things that i try to avoid but it was only recently i realized that joy has been one of those emotions. how often have i truly let myself rejoice? in love, in spontaneity, in work? when was the last time i truly enjoyed the food i was eating? or enjoyed my own company? i’m guilty of being preoccupied by my mind racing before sitting in joy with the company of someone else.

playing, letting go of control, and being present are all common practices of mine - but allowing that joy to fully exist in my body is hard for me. i struggle allowing myself to genuinely feel my positive emotions in fear that i have to return to the other side of the emotion spectrum. allowing joy means allowing sadness. or anger. or fear. all of which i know exist largely in my body. neutralizing the labels or judgements around these emotions is the best way i’ve navigated this (i.e. happy as “good,” sad as “bad",” and so forth). being able to identify myself as the observer of these emotions is how i started this practice.

big feelings are scary. but they are beautiful. my perfectionism has told me that there are good or bad ways of feeling emotions - “right” or “wrong.” this is a lie! there are just feelings! i’m learning to give love and care to all emotions.

i’ve been actively calling in joy and practicing facing my fears. i have challenged the idea that big emotions are too much for others and myself. your loved ones want you to feel fully, express your emotions and see you live. while this is still hard for me to fully believe, i know that the right people and environments help me believe it. your feelings are valid, all of them.

zero proof

alcohol. man oh man.

remember that whole right or wrong thing, good or bad? there’s no right answer?

for me, i felt conflicted about the role alcohol served in my life for a long time. from it being a “cure” to relentless anxiety in high school and early college, to having had a restrictive eating disorder, to choosing recovery, alcohol served as a toxic voice in my head. a constant question of good or bad.

i stopped drinking almost entirely in my gap year just because i was working full time in my hometown away from friends. over time i learned that drinking itself was never something i craved, rather the feeling of belonging in a social setting and the symptoms of reduced anxiety (until the next day where it would be multiple times worse). when i committed to UT i was terrified of “not fitting in” again amongst a social circle. alongside starting recovery, i felt conflicted. was not going out a way to “restrict” or was i listening to my body?

when i drank, i always wanted to push it, feeling temporarily relieved of the chatter in my mind. every time i went out, i was learning a new limit/boundary. i remember one time showing up to a hike and meditation (that i was looking forward to for weeks) so hungover and anxious, i felt entirely out of my body. soon after, i went out again and found myself in an unsafe situation that pushed me into my first stretch of sobriety. that lasted a while, mostly due to lack of any interest in going out, but soon felt inclined to have a glass of wine for special occasions or bond with old friends over a drink.

as a chronic people pleaser, boundaries have been a constant battle for me. learning self-love and self-respect has come with learning boundaries. not drinking felt like a boundary that was so hard to put up and keep up. it wasn’t until i was around the right people and had the right support where i felt truly at ease maintaining this boundary.

i recently hit a year sober at the beginning of this month. the activities i enjoy and the life i lead has no need for alcohol. i have learned so much about myself over the course of this year, and sobriety has kept me close to my values.

life’s not black and white. no right and wrong, good or bad? right? for me, sobriety fuels my life journey. sobriety feels like the right thing to me. that’s what i know to be true.

colors

sitting in class, my hands shake waiting to be numbered off into groups. “portia, 2.” okay, who else will be 2? the girls laughing in the corner are numbered off as “3 and 4.” the kid making his table laugh is numbered off into 5, and i see him make eye contact with his best friend across the room who is also placed in 5. the groups grow, filled with huge personalities and colorful clothes. the 2’s gather to the front right side of the room. we stay quiet. i grab the sheet of paper and pen to be the writer of the group. we work quietly as other groups are running around teasing and having fun. group 3 is yellow filled with the bubbly dancers. group 5 is green, radiating laughter by the windows. i see group 4 drawing horses and fairies on the corners of their paper, i see the color pink. i sit in silence in my group. a cloud of grey enveloping us.

similar to the lunch tables in middle school, i would compartmentalize groups into colors. the girls with all vera bradley lunch totes was purple. the table with yeti lunchboxes were outdoorsy explorers, green. this way of thinking was my way of helping me perceive my environment. i’ve been a chronic overthinker my whole life. sensitive to my environments, i wanted to keep the peace and “do good.” placing colors on ideas, people, energies (partially an adhd tactic), was a way for me to digest my surroundings. red is math, blue is science, yellow is for her, grey is for me.

i know that not everybody can relate to this narrative. however, part of discovering myself and reconstructing my views on my reality, i know that this was one way of survival. i looked to my immediate surroundings to give me meaning and define me. i wanted so bad to be at the table with the girls laughing, so that i could feel like i was funny. being alongside the girls doodling, i could be a creative. without this, i would find myself feeling stuck in grey without an idea of what color i bring to a group.

rediscovering myself has shown me that i am not only one color. my colors change and morph based on my mood, my state of being. with this, i am learning that i can radiate any color i want into a room. instead of viewing it as “what color do i fit into?” i create the question “what color do i bring?”

i’ve found it important to surround ourselves with people who compliment those colors, who help us see how we glow. there are a lot of grey areas in life. leaning into the discomfort of the unknown, allowing room for growth, for mistakes, room to learn- that’s where we can find our meaning. when we are patient, with time, the grey clouds part, and our meaning becomes more clear. we are not meant to be defined by others, but to compliment and contrast our surroundings. it’s scary waiting for the clouds to part, but by allowing space and time, you can discover the best sunsets, filled with some of life’s prettiest colors.

the butterfly effect

Springtime is here: the sides of the roads speckled in bluebonnets and evening primroses, inviting the landing and dismount of gentle insects- butterflies gracefully navigating the space around us, finding home in the beauty of it all.

Amidst a time in my life of so much uncertainty, decision making has felt scary, overwhelming and frankly something I’ve wanted to avoid. Whether it be what I’m going to have for lunch or where I’m going to live in a couple months, my perfectionism has been prominently distracting me from the bigger picture. However, it’s been things as small as a butterfly fluttering by that brings me back into focus.

The butterfly effect is a theory of connectedness. The idea that every little move we make has a greater effect on the bigger picture. In springtime, we are energetically inspired to move forward, make change and grow. This includes trimming out weeds that may be working against you and planting seeds that grow with you. As scary as decision making can be sometimes, every decision we make with the right intention has the outcome to help you move forward.

From the second we wake up, we have the power to live our best day. Taking care of ourselves so we can take care of the world around us. For me, this can mean making the decision to wake up 10 minutes early to dedicate to gratitude and visualization. This can help me so I don’t rush into my day with stressors and bring those into my workplace, my relationships, or my interactions with strangers. That small decision to make time for yourself, to cultivate your own joy, can domino into easier decision making throughout the day, working out of love rather than going through the motions.

The butterflies serve as a reminder that we are all connected. An easy reminder to be in the body and in the moment, even for a brief second. The universe does not have a fixed agenda working against you, even if it feels that way at times. All we are in charge of in a time of uncertainty is our next decision, and making decisions that work for you. Find your reminders of love, connectedness, wholeness: In a butterfly, in a breath, in a moment. They are all around us.