dance with anger

i recently told my therapist that i don’t do well expressing my anger. she flipped that back on me quickly and said that i do - i just express it all on myself.

this sparked a kind of realization. i grew up around anger. seeing it expressed towards another person, often without any resolution and a threat of leaving, formed my relationship with it. i became terrified of someone being angry at me, in fear that it could result in conflict or abandonment. so, i internalized anger and geared it all toward myself before another person could.

taking a step back, i realized how much anger has driven my behavior. anger towards my body has resulted in working out or restricting, anger towards my productivity has caused decision paralysis and anxious spirals, anger towards my messiness has caused deep cleaning late at night.

i would never express anger to someone else the way i do myself. recognizing this made me put in perspective where i have been with my mental health. the lower my confidence in myself and my abilities is, the more likely it is for anger to make way.

i am in the process of learning how to juggle anger with positive emotions. i am guilty of shutting down when i feel like someone is angry at me or anxiously working to try and make everything “ok.”

anger is natural. one of my amazing directors in college taught me that “anger is disappointed love.” it is a secondary emotion. when i get to a spot of being so angry at myself, another or the world, the only thing that brings me back is finding where the love felt lost.

the election has driven an uproar of anger through me. anxious, sleepless, i am discovering how to find that love in the fight. the only thing that truly keeps me grounded is reminding myself that this anger is a result of feeling a loss of love. yes, fight with anger, protest with anger, yell with anger, but lead with love. as long as that stays at the forefront i think we can do anything.

you cannot hate yourself into a person you love. i cannot hate myself into a person i love. lead with love, towards yourself and others.