zero proof

alcohol. man oh man.

remember that whole right or wrong thing, good or bad? there’s no right answer?

for me, i felt conflicted about the role alcohol served in my life for a long time. from it being a “cure” to relentless anxiety in high school and early college, to having had a restrictive eating disorder, to choosing recovery, alcohol served as a toxic voice in my head. a constant question of good or bad.

i stopped drinking almost entirely in my gap year just because i was working full time in my hometown away from friends. over time i learned that drinking itself was never something i craved, rather the feeling of belonging in a social setting and the symptoms of reduced anxiety (until the next day where it would be multiple times worse). when i committed to UT i was terrified of “not fitting in” again amongst a social circle. alongside starting recovery, i felt conflicted. was not going out a way to “restrict” or was i listening to my body?

when i drank, i always wanted to push it, feeling temporarily relieved of the chatter in my mind. every time i went out, i was learning a new limit/boundary. i remember one time showing up to a hike and meditation (that i was looking forward to for weeks) so hungover and anxious, i felt entirely out of my body. soon after, i went out again and found myself in an unsafe situation that pushed me into my first stretch of sobriety. that lasted a while, mostly due to lack of any interest in going out, but soon felt inclined to have a glass of wine for special occasions or bond with old friends over a drink.

as a chronic people pleaser, boundaries have been a constant battle for me. learning self-love and self-respect has come with learning boundaries. not drinking felt like a boundary that was so hard to put up and keep up. it wasn’t until i was around the right people and had the right support where i felt truly at ease maintaining this boundary.

i recently hit a year sober at the beginning of this month. the activities i enjoy and the life i lead has no need for alcohol. i have learned so much about myself over the course of this year, and sobriety has kept me close to my values.

life’s not black and white. no right and wrong, good or bad? right? for me, sobriety fuels my life journey. sobriety feels like the right thing to me. that’s what i know to be true.