joy is scary

joy is scary.

i grew up in an environment where happiness was a fleeting feeling. there was no security around how long a joyful moment would last - scared of the feeling being temporary, i retreated into ambivalence. on top of my home environment being preoccupied with conflict and tension, i found myself avoidant of all feelings.

i remember exact moments i decided that certain traits were “too much” and shut off parts of myself in attempts to be more palatable. this meant avoiding things that would result in big emotions. i think this is how i found myself in theater, because it was a safe space for me to sit in emotions, under the veil of “acting,”

i am learning how to feel safe while experiencing big emotions. i have known that sadness, anger and fear are all things that i try to avoid but it was only recently i realized that joy has been one of those emotions. how often have i truly let myself rejoice? in love, in spontaneity, in work? when was the last time i truly enjoyed the food i was eating? or enjoyed my own company? i’m guilty of being preoccupied by my mind racing before sitting in joy with the company of someone else.

playing, letting go of control, and being present are all common practices of mine - but allowing that joy to fully exist in my body is hard for me. i struggle allowing myself to genuinely feel my positive emotions in fear that i have to return to the other side of the emotion spectrum. allowing joy means allowing sadness. or anger. or fear. all of which i know exist largely in my body. neutralizing the labels or judgements around these emotions is the best way i’ve navigated this (i.e. happy as “good,” sad as “bad",” and so forth). being able to identify myself as the observer of these emotions is how i started this practice.

big feelings are scary. but they are beautiful. my perfectionism has told me that there are good or bad ways of feeling emotions - “right” or “wrong.” this is a lie! there are just feelings! i’m learning to give love and care to all emotions.

i’ve been actively calling in joy and practicing facing my fears. i have challenged the idea that big emotions are too much for others and myself. your loved ones want you to feel fully, express your emotions and see you live. while this is still hard for me to fully believe, i know that the right people and environments help me believe it. your feelings are valid, all of them.