a reflection on friendship
connectedness is my number one value; being able to initiate a connection or spark a conversation comes very easily to me. with this, i consider somebody a friend very quickly. i am recently realizing this is to a fault.
friendship was not really valued in my household. i depended almost entirely on my extracurricular activities to facilitate time with friends. after rehearsal, i was picked up and brought home while my friends drove together, most likely grabbing food or hanging out before and after. i had a responsibility to my family to be home. a home that never hosted dinner parties, sleepovers or after school hangouts. i think i can count the number of times my best friends of over a decade have been to my house on two hands. i never really learned how to ask somebody to hangout. i believe this turned into a subconscious belief that people would not want to or be able to hang out.
my perfectionism keeps friendships an idea in my head. if i don’t reach out, the opportunity for that connection to be lost doesn’t exist. my perfectionism prevents me from deepening my relationships. i am learning this has a lot to do with trust. planning a hangout (outside of the moment that exists) opens a path for rejection, an opportunity for a hangout to be cancelled, or an opportunity for me to feel as though i am not in a “good enough” place to be there. i am also learning how much my mental health has impacted my ability to maintain relationships.
depression keeps me isolated. consistent feelings of unworthiness prevent me from feeling present with friends and then i would spiral in guilt and shame about forgetting important events, details and plans. not because i didn’t care, but almost because i cared too much. i wanted to be the perfect friend.
a good friend once told me the most important thing you can do for someone is just show up. you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to meet any expectations, you just have to show up. this isn’t as easy as it sounds, it’s a practice: of vulnerability, of getting uncomfortable, of challenging subconscious beliefs. but it’s so worth the people and relationships that come out of it.
i want to be known as a good friend, one that is reliable and trustworthy. this isn’t something that comes just from having good intentions, but a lot of work. i know i am processing grief around time lost with friends due to my mental health, but i have to give myself grace knowing i was doing the best i could. all i can do is do better.
