colors
sitting in class, my hands shake waiting to be numbered off into groups. “portia, 2.” okay, who else will be 2? the girls laughing in the corner are numbered off as “3 and 4.” the kid making his table laugh is numbered off into 5, and i see him make eye contact with his best friend across the room who is also placed in 5. the groups grow, filled with huge personalities and colorful clothes. the 2’s gather to the front right side of the room. we stay quiet. i grab the sheet of paper and pen to be the writer of the group. we work quietly as other groups are running around teasing and having fun. group 3 is yellow filled with the bubbly dancers. group 5 is green, radiating laughter by the windows. i see group 4 drawing horses and fairies on the corners of their paper, i see the color pink. i sit in silence in my group. a cloud of grey enveloping us.
similar to the lunch tables in middle school, i would compartmentalize groups into colors. the girls with all vera bradley lunch totes was purple. the table with yeti lunchboxes were outdoorsy explorers, green. this way of thinking was my way of helping me perceive my environment. i’ve been a chronic overthinker my whole life. sensitive to my environments, i wanted to keep the peace and “do good.” placing colors on ideas, people, energies (partially an adhd tactic), was a way for me to digest my surroundings. red is math, blue is science, yellow is for her, grey is for me.
i know that not everybody can relate to this narrative. however, part of discovering myself and reconstructing my views on my reality, i know that this was one way of survival. i looked to my immediate surroundings to give me meaning and define me. i wanted so bad to be at the table with the girls laughing, so that i could feel like i was funny. being alongside the girls doodling, i could be a creative. without this, i would find myself feeling stuck in grey without an idea of what color i bring to a group.
rediscovering myself has shown me that i am not only one color. my colors change and morph based on my mood, my state of being. with this, i am learning that i can radiate any color i want into a room. instead of viewing it as “what color do i fit into?” i create the question “what color do i bring?”
i’ve found it important to surround ourselves with people who compliment those colors, who help us see how we glow. there are a lot of grey areas in life. leaning into the discomfort of the unknown, allowing room for growth, for mistakes, room to learn- that’s where we can find our meaning. when we are patient, with time, the grey clouds part, and our meaning becomes more clear. we are not meant to be defined by others, but to compliment and contrast our surroundings. it’s scary waiting for the clouds to part, but by allowing space and time, you can discover the best sunsets, filled with some of life’s prettiest colors.
