high rocks
if you’ve heard of hyrox, i’m sure you’re sick of hearing about hyrox.
hyrox is a functional fitness competition comprised of 8 stations a kilometer run between each station. it’s intense. way more intense than i imagined, and having fun was not the primary feeling.
5 years ago, you wouldn’t have caught me dead doing a sit up in front of anyone, let alone run. i never had exercise introduced to me in a way of ease or joy, other than dance within theatre. i only understood exercise to be a method of losing weight, not to feel strong, build health, or feel like a functional human - hiking, chores, taking care of children, etc…
during covid my obsession with exercising became paralyzing. i was addicted to training and losing weight. i was consistently undereating and overtraining. from the outside it may have looked like i “figured it out” but on the inside i was dying. i remember how difficult it was getting up from a squat, i felt like i had no strength at all.
i took a break from working out for a little to regain some sense of self and start school. but exercise remained a grounder for me and a place where i can work on myself. now i choose to exercise out of love and celebration for what the human body is capable of, rather than a way to shrink and punish myself.
i am now a nationally accredited certified personal trainer, who just competed in her first fitness competition.
i was nervous about committing myself to something like this. my addictive personality and perfectionism can take over things like this and prevent me from having fun. during the race i really had to challenge my perfectionism. it was so easy to focus on a specific race time i wanted to finish at rather than have fun during it (granted when your heart rate is over 160 bpm for 90+ min it’s really hard not thinking about the finish line).
one phrase that helps me through moments like this is “how can you enjoy how long this is going to last?”
there is no need to do a fitness competition to prove to yourself you are strong. strength exists in many different fashions. from going to a fitness class that is out of your comfort zone, to having a vulnerable conversation, to learning a new skill, to climbing high rocks (there it is), strength is interconnected with every facet of life.
having a “why” is the most important factor in competing in a race. without a good reason, you can get lost in ego and doubt.
for me, my why is proving to myself i can do hard things. a deep rooted belief i am overcoming is that i am incapable of doing hard things (consciously i know this isn’t the case, but that stupid subconscious believes otherwise). i've never met a version of myself in a high intensity race like that until now. i want to experience every version of myself in this life. a version of me who is showing 19 year old portia that she is stronger than she ever imagined and 21 year old portia that it’s okay to gain weight and feel confident. my why is leading all parts of myself with love.
i truly hated how i felt during that race, but there were pockets of pride and i fulfilled a commitment to myself. more than anything, that is what i am proud of.
