a year
A whole year is difficult to put into a single journal entry, a one and a half minute reel or even a few resolutions. Made up of four seasons, loads of family discourse and recourse, celebrations of friends, the start of a job, the end of an education, old faces gone with new faces prominent: A year is comprised of so many different experiences. One reflection will not be able to do it justice.
However, it’s pretty crazy to think about time in the span of years. In 2022, I was lost, unhappy in my education, my environment, my body and my mind. I was freshly recovering from an eating disorder, and my life revolved around trying to find meaning outside of food. The year before in 2021, I had taken control of my life when I had dropped out of college in January. However, I lost that sense of control to my anxiety and eating disorder. This consumed the majority of my year. I was robbed of creativity due to mental struggles and my life was centered around trying to find my breath. In 2020, I heard my inner voice for the first time. I knew I was unhappy at my first college and lost my passion for performing. COVID-19 had given me the opportunity to be still in my body, inviting remembrance of what brought me joy and who I am.
This voice is what guides me today. I believe 2023 was the first year I truly felt happy. Off of any medications and birth control, I was re-introduced to myself. I visited the place I last knew the little girl unapologetically full of life, love and joy. This trip to Oregon reminded me of who I was, and who I am.
This remembrance is a daily practice, and trust me I fall off pretty easily. There were many times this year I deeply struggled with self-doubt, my nagging eating disorder, anxiety and depression. It was the first year, however, that I can confidently say that I was experiencing these symptoms rather than being a product of these disorders.
The deepest lesson I learned this past year is that perfectionism is the voice in my head that is fueled by my fear. By actively facing my fears and trying new things, I am able to pick away at that voice and prove it wrong. This year I challenged myself to actively seek discomfort, and from plunging in the ice bath, to running long distances, to texting a number that was left for me at work, I was consistently shown that the things we avoid can actually be pretty great.
Over the past 30 or so days, I turned 23, I graduated, and I welcomed in a new year. I have no plans for this upcoming year, and boy I’d say that’s pretty uncomfortable. All I can do is remind myself that I have survived this discomfort before and I can do it again. Who’s to say what is in store for 2024, all I can do is keep making steps towards my future. So, cheers to the new seasons of 2024.
