(i’m)perfect portia

an intro.

Brilliant Brooke. Magnificent Michael. Amazing Amanda. Polite Portia. Pretty Portia. Piggy Portia. Perfect Portia… Damn.

Perfect Portia?

It was around the age of 9 where I started understanding that I’m not only perceiving the world, but the world was perceiving me. How did I want to be seen, to be known? The Name Game growing up was the first opportunity in classroom to share a word that describes you. I adopted the path of arguably most resistance, and chose Perfect Portia. To me, I took it as a label that I had to prove, otherwise I could be considered a liar, and that would be bad. It was around the age of 9, I started viewing myself as good or bad.

Perfectionism serves as a protection mechanism, a way of viewing the world through fear. I would avoid any opportunity to be judged as bad, before I could judge myself. Unknowingly, this logic guided me through the majority of my life. It kept me in cycles of self doubt, diminished my inner knowing and placed me in a state of war with myself. This self-war manifested as anxiety and depression, along with other health issues, a feat I have been battling for as long as I can remember. It took me a long time to understand that my experience with anxiety and depression was something I can control, rather be controlled by.

I heard once that “the imperfect parts of us are the healing parts of us.” Anytime little Portia shut down that innate desire to try something new due to fear of imperfection, I lost a part of myself. Embracing any deemed “imperfections” invites an opportunity to tell that fearful girl that she is safe. I still challenge my perfectionist tendencies every day, however, through resources, connections, experiences, and more, I have been able to find purpose behind the imperfections. Life isn’t getting easier, but it can be more manageable, with adopting the right practices, mindsets and beliefs.

My purpose with this platform is to share some of the resources that have helped me in my journey, along with anecdotes of my own experiences. I hope this can invite conversations with yourself, within your relationships, and with the world. With good intention, strong intuition and a bit of imperfection, I believe we can move mountains.

Besides, Imperfect Portia has a better ring to it anyhow.

thank you for being here.